Come Away Bathed

I'm not sure how celebtrities stay sane, being constantly critiqued. My hubby and I have a far smaller "audience" but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out.

We probably don't have the right personalities to be in the position we're in, leading a church. Obviously church is not about coming to observe a pastor - it's about coming to worship God as a community, but we also have to be accountable for everything that the church does and stands for. That's where we pick up an audience.

If I had a choice in what my congregation sees in me, I would hope their reports include "She can't stop pointing us to Jesus". That's it. If I can somehow come away from meeting with someone and they felt bathed in God's glory and hungry to seek Him out more, then I'm happy. Period.

Teach me Your way Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear [respect/stand in awe] of Your name.

Psalm 86:11

Gratitude

Thismorning I sat with my neighbour in the gutter. His family, and in fact our whole street, have been moved from here to make way for more developments. Everyday he takes a bus and a tram to come have a beer outside his old house, contemplating the days when he could sit on his front porch and have a coffee with anyone in the street. Everything he has ever known has changed around him. Everything.

As I looked at the trail of beer cans a thought came to mind. This could have been me. So many times I've felt that everything around me has changed and I am standing there like a deer in headlights. The past few weeks have been heavy and my failings have been displayed in front of my eyes continually. Oh and I've been saying goodbyes again.

When you've been in ministry for most your life, spending most days checking up on how people are doing, it's sobering to realise that only a handful of people do the same back. But just thismorning one of them did. In a moment when I was feeling my lowest I got a call. "I had two mins on my way to work and wanted to see how you're doing." I actually didn't get to tell her how much that 2mins meant - I just took in her voice, knowing those were words straight from the heart of God.

I have many things to be grateful for and I refuse to let those moments be stolen away to make way for all the crushing thoughts instead. Not today. Today I want to be grateful.

Just Grace

I had a strong sense of justice growing up. I used to fire up whenever I saw someone being bullied by kids at school. I wrestled the school bully to the ground when I was 10 years old. The teachers used to sit me next to the naughty boys because I shut them up in class.

There were teachers who also bullied kids in highschool and I sought justice for them as well. Once I brought a tape recorder into class and captured an entire shaming session from a teacher towards a child. I got in a lot of trouble for that.

There have been seasons in my life where my sense of justice has broken me. The problems began as I developed a stronger sense of grace as well. Justice and grace don't actually mix very well. When you feel deeply for the victim and deeply for the perpetrator at the same time, there's no resolution. No outlet for justice. Just pain.

I am so thankful that I've realised over the years that rectifying full justice is not my role in people's lives. And in fact, showing complete grace is not either. There is only One who knows how to carry out both fully and simultaneously. Only One. I'm learning more and more how to leave it up to Him.

What I can do is listen. I will listen to pain and I will feel it as deeply as I can before it breaks me. I can't promise that I will bring justice and I can't promise that I will understand. What I can promise is that there is Someone who can and will.

Advocacy

I remember when I first really understood advocacy. Maybe you remember when chip packets used to come with tokens in them called "Tazos" that were collected to play a game similar to marbles. You faced off with a partner, flicking your Tazo to knock theirs out of the ring. Winner collected the Tazo.

One day my friend saw that I'd consumed a packet of chips and asked where the Tazo had gone from inside. When she realised I'd thrown it out she was furious and yelled at me for not passing it to her. She felt I didn't care about our friendship because I should have known she would want to collect it. In that moment she ended our friendship. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise.

Shocked, I prayed about the situation. I told God I knew her change of heart would need to come from Him because I had given it my best shot. Well, we're still friends today, 24 years later, so something changed in her heart and she realised I could be trusted again.

It seems such a trivial situation now but the same concept has been repeated over and over in different forms ever since. I have always found that when I cannot explain situations myself, God can be trusted to step in and "advocate". Not always straight away, but eventually.

For the past 20 years I've been surrounded by a vast mix of different cultures, ages, and backgrounds in the people I've worked alongside. All carrying their own trigger-points in what makes them feel hurt or betrayed. For the life of me I cannot remember once wanting to harm someone and yet it happens...alot. Thankfully the Holy Spirit usually explains the situation to them much better than I can.

I don't know how I could navigate this life without the Holy Spirit constantly highlighting truth around me and in me. I can imagine that would have been a very miserable existance, especially when I think back to all the things I've been accused of 🤦‍♀️ These experiences have definitely given me a greater desire to believe the best motives in others. Sometimes I'm probably wrong and people really are doing things to purposely hurt me but I choose to believe those cases are few and far between!

When the Advocate comes, whom I will send to you from the Father—the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father—he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.
John 15:26‭-‬27 NIV